Archive for the ‘satire’ Category

Facebook Usage Breakdown

August 30, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

  

21%

People displaying pictures of fun things you aren’t doing, making you

feel jealous and boring

19%

People displaying pictures to make themselves seem fun, hoping to

make you feel jealous and boring

15%

Notifications that people you barely know have RSVPed to an event

you aren’t invited to

12%

“What flavor Popsicle are you?” quizzes, with a generic answer

and an asinine follow-up quiztaker comment, like “Cherry…I knew it”

10%

Public complaining about constant redesigns meant to compete with

Twitter or whatever new technology is threatening to render it obsolete

9%

Narcissistic, real-time narration of the daily minutiae of a casual

friend-of-friend you met once (“Megan is making brownies…yum”)

8%

Taking time out of your life to actually join the group “I like to get the mail”

or become a fan of “Pizza”

6%

Baby pictures, baby pictures and more goddamn baby pictures

 


Small-Town Gossip

July 12, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

The newspaper in my hometown of Boston has a gossip page, which is cute because there are no celebrities there.  Thus, the story-starved gossip columnists are forced to boldface a pathetic stew of marginal C-listers: pro athletes at parole-mandated charity events who would never set foot in town if not drafted by Boston teams, local TV weathermen who live to get recognized at the grocery store, and A-list stars who grew up in the area, moved away as soon as they could afford a plane ticket and only return to visit their parents at Thanksgiving.  There are also very few unique and sophisticated party spaces, so the setting is usually the sterile, beige, dividable grand ballroom of a roadside Crowne Plaza that spends 90% of its time hosting bar mitzvahs.  The column usually looks something like this:

 

We caught up with Celtics captain Paul Pierce and his nephew Chris at Mo Vaughn’s Bowling Bash for Children in Saugus…Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler called his mom in New Hampshire from his yacht in the Azores, where he is resting up for a world tour that will stop in Hartford next September…Channel 7 general manager Kristy Collins and mayor’s aide Ed Johns laughing it up at the Boston Marriott.


From the In-Flight Magazine

March 1, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

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….


There’s No Way That’s His Daughter

February 13, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

“Hi honey, whaddaya doing?”

“I’m emailing my real father.”

 

>>>>>


The Modern Basic-Cable Screenshot

October 30, 2008 in satire | Comments (0)


Sarah Palin’s Baby Name Book

October 5, 2008 in satire | Comments (0)

 

Boys Top 10

 

Girls Top 10

 

 

Mug

Lid

Lichen

Rake

Taco

Bop

Ratchet

Kevlar

Crud

Cinch

Heck

Hut

Bunt

Pill

Gauge

Speck

Batch

Pep

Pit

Cart


Sports Broadcasting Manual – Studio Analyst

August 14, 2008 in satire | Comments (0)

In order to appear as a studio analyst on Sportsnite, Baseball Today, Football Wrapup or any of the other 300 nightly highlight shows, the most essential skill is the ability to stretch one extremely basic idea into 5 minutes of fluff airtime in order to justify having a half-hour show to recap 5 games:

 

Message: Davis is a good hitter.

 

Delivery: You know, I tell you what, you talk about all the guys I’ve seen, Davis is one of the best…he can flat hit a baseball.  If he keeps on hitting the baseball like he’s capable of doing, he has a chance to become one of the great hitters in Major League Baseball.  I played with Davis for a few years and man, I tell you, what impressed me most was his ability to hit the baseball.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he kept on hitting baseballs for years to come.  He’s just playing really well for his club.  I am in love with him.   

 

[Note: add meaningless rankings and historical perspective for additional mileage (“He might be one of the five best hitters in the league right now…if he keeps it up, he could be considered one of the greats of all time.”)]                                                                                                                                                                                          

                                       


New! Manhattan Condominiums

June 27, 2008 in satire | Comments (0)

 

The Chestington

 Authentic British charm adjacent to the Department of Sanitation’s Waste Transfer Station.

 

 

Three Hundred Fifty-Six West One Hundred and Twenty-Ninth Street

 Good luck with the address labels.

 

 

The Burrita

 Spanish Harlem’s spiciest new luxury address.

  

 

170 CPFW

 Central Park Far West – a.k.a. the wasteland of bus depots surrounding the Lincoln Tunnel.

 

 

The Alexia

Currently embroiled in a lawsuit with Nissan over the name.

  

 

One Condo Place

Very skimpy marketing budget.

 

 

Tangent 4500

 Rent actually in the name (changes to Tangent 4585 on May 1st).

 

 

Madison Court by Seuss

 I do not want a courtyard view, no I don’t I’m feeling blue.

 

 

Venti Latte

Features a 24-hour onsite barista.

 

 

Bentley Place at Easthampton

 Amenities include a gym, laundry and mock trading floor.

 

 

Megadyne Factory

 Possibly a loft conversion, although there’s still smoke coming out of the smokestacks.

 

 

Heinz 57

 Midblock development on Heinz Street (next to The Lycopene).

 

 

Poopsmear by Starck

 Savant garde.

 

 

The Resolute

 Marketer’s thesaurus meets post-9/11 patriotism.

 

 

Suttone Towere

 The beste buildinge downtowne.

 

 

ThePleaselivehere.com

 Visit our Facebook page for more information.

 

 

The Boron

 Vaguely Swedish-sounding, actually just the last unclaimed square in the periodic table.