Archive for June, 2008

New! Manhattan Condominiums

June 27, 2008 in satire | Comments (0)

 

The Chestington

 Authentic British charm adjacent to the Department of Sanitation’s Waste Transfer Station.

 

 

Three Hundred Fifty-Six West One Hundred and Twenty-Ninth Street

 Good luck with the address labels.

 

 

The Burrita

 Spanish Harlem’s spiciest new luxury address.

  

 

170 CPFW

 Central Park Far West – a.k.a. the wasteland of bus depots surrounding the Lincoln Tunnel.

 

 

The Alexia

Currently embroiled in a lawsuit with Nissan over the name.

  

 

One Condo Place

Very skimpy marketing budget.

 

 

Tangent 4500

 Rent actually in the name (changes to Tangent 4585 on May 1st).

 

 

Madison Court by Seuss

 I do not want a courtyard view, no I don’t I’m feeling blue.

 

 

Venti Latte

Features a 24-hour onsite barista.

 

 

Bentley Place at Easthampton

 Amenities include a gym, laundry and mock trading floor.

 

 

Megadyne Factory

 Possibly a loft conversion, although there’s still smoke coming out of the smokestacks.

 

 

Heinz 57

 Midblock development on Heinz Street (next to The Lycopene).

 

 

Poopsmear by Starck

 Savant garde.

 

 

The Resolute

 Marketer’s thesaurus meets post-9/11 patriotism.

 

 

Suttone Towere

 The beste buildinge downtowne.

 

 

ThePleaselivehere.com

 Visit our Facebook page for more information.

 

 

The Boron

 Vaguely Swedish-sounding, actually just the last unclaimed square in the periodic table.

 


The Appointment

June 25, 2008 in dear diary | Comments (0)

The other day I woke up feeling really pent up, needing a boost of masculine confidence.  I was overdue, and it was weighing on me.  Doing it myself was out of the question, so I naturally called Sheila, my special lady, to see if she had an appointment available.  Luckily, she did.  I made sure to wear my worst clothes, as I expected them to be ruined afterwards.  During my lunch hour, I slipped out of the office and into her third-floor walkup across the street.  It’s barely advertised but invariably filled to capacity with regulars, many of whom look like they need it bad.  I sat quietly in her waiting room, nervously flipping through magazines and trying to avoid eye contact.

 

When it was finally my turn, Sheila beckoned me seductively, with a wry smile.  She was sucking on a lollipop, same as always.  As I followed her into the other room, I passed her last client, who had a visible spring in his step as he exited.  Sheila asked me how I liked it.  ‘Gimme the usual,’ I answered playfully.  She went to work without another word; I mostly stared at myself in the mirror as she worked her magic.  Vague sensations of wetness and foam barely registered in my reverie.  When it was over, she gently lifted my chin with her delicate hands and asked if I was satisfied.  I nodded affirmatively.  She was the best; I knew she’d be discrete and keep my preferences to herself.  I paid in cash and slinked back to the office unnoticed; the only clues to my whereabouts were the itchy hair splinters on my shoulders and the telltale smell of talcum powder on my neck.

 


Cell Phone or Vibrator?

June 7, 2008 in wordgames | Comments (0)

Both have a vibrate mode.  Both are essential accessories of the modern businesswoman.  But only one should be stuck in your ear.  The distinction is getting murky – in the list of model names below, pick out which are cell phones and which are vibrators:

  1. Teal Juke
  2. Gleam
  3. Rosebud
  4. Black Cherry Chocolate
  5. Purple Titan
  6. Glyde
  7. G’zone
  8. Silver Bullet
  9. Pearl Lotus
  10. Pink Venus

[Answers: 1, 2, 4, 6, 7 and 10 are cell phones; 3, 5, 8 and 9 are vibrators]