Small-Town Gossip

July 12, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

The newspaper in my hometown of Boston has a gossip page, which is cute because there are no celebrities there.  Thus, the story-starved gossip columnists are forced to boldface a pathetic stew of marginal C-listers: pro athletes at parole-mandated charity events who would never set foot in town if not drafted by Boston teams, local TV weathermen who live to get recognized at the grocery store, and A-list stars who grew up in the area, moved away as soon as they could afford a plane ticket and only return to visit their parents at Thanksgiving.  There are also very few unique and sophisticated party spaces, so the setting is usually the sterile, beige, dividable grand ballroom of a roadside Crowne Plaza that spends 90% of its time hosting bar mitzvahs.  The column usually looks something like this:


We caught up with Celtics captain Paul Pierce and his nephew Chris at Mo Vaughn’s Bowling Bash for Children in Saugus…Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler called his mom in New Hampshire from his yacht in the Azores, where he is resting up for a world tour that will stop in Hartford next September…Channel 7 general manager Kristy Collins and mayor’s aide Ed Johns laughing it up at the Boston Marriott.

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