Blog Archives

Keep the Change

November 23, 2009 in rantlets | Comments (0)

The appallingly pointless new fad-product from banks today is the program where the bank offers to transfer a few cents from your checking account into savings every time you spend, and advertises this as some sort of valuable service.  Basically, if you’re too busy to press “transfer” at the ATM or are prone to accidentally binge-spending your entire life savings, this is for you.  What does it accomplish?  It would take 14 years for these miniscule transfers to accumulate to $10.  Also, if I hire someone to move M&Ms from my front pocket to my back pocket, (a) I don’t thank them for creating more candy and (b) I’m in deep trouble if that’s my diet regimen.

 


The Last 13 Remaining Observations about Air Travel

October 17, 2009 in rantlets | Comments (0)

    

 

The pinnacle of airport sophistication is the row of potted plastic plants separating Chili’s Express from the soulless linoleum wasteland expanse of the terminal.  On this side: bloomin’ onions and blue margaritas.  On that side: defeated, dehydrated travelers trudging to their indefinitely-delayed flight gates.

 

There’s absolutely nothing worse than those beeping geezer-taxi golf carts that buzz through the terminal and turn handicapped old people into VIPs.  Please, just put all the gates to Florida at the start of the terminal.  Or just drive the old people all the way to Ft. Lauderdale in the carts; save the planes for people who can walk.

 

Planefreeze: brainfreeze that results from rushing to finish your sample-size soda before the stewardess makes her last trash run through the cabin before landing.

 

Nowhere else on earth but an airport would you consider “cinnamon pretzel with frosting dipping sauce” to be a complete lunch.

 

I’m going to start collecting those appallingly generic airport gift shop t-shirts that just say “Washington DC” in cursive and nothing else.  That way, when I wear it, the memories conjured up of my vacation are of waiting in security lines and staring blankly at 12 cycles of CNN Headline News in the terminal.

 

I have never flown on a plane built after 1970 in my life, yet Boeing is still in business.  They must all be in Saudi Arabia and Singapore, fleets of gleaming new planes with massage chairs and cookie dough dispensers.

 

Is an iPod really going to scramble the cockpit communications?  A Boeing 747 has 5,000 metric tons of pound-thrust and a reinforced bulletproof cockpit door, yet I can bring it down by playing a Whitney Houston mp3 during taxiing?

 

Maybe all the second-tier cable TV channels should focus on reaching the first tier before they all start opening depressing terminalside theme cafes.  This means you, Fox Sports and CNBC.  I’m not sure if this reflects more poorly on the channels or the airport.

 

Come to think of it, why not have airport cafes branded for other channels, like Lifetime (for women only) or TBS (Seinfeld and Family Guy all day).  CSPAN seems like an appropriate fit, they’re all pretty boring places.  I think the Weather Channel one may draw the most crowds, at least at an airport.

 

Studies have shown that people’s opinions of a supermarket are subconsciously shaped by how neat the banana display is.  I think the same is true for the hand-drying situation in the airport bathroom.

 

Why the maze to enter the restroom?  Nothing makes you feel sillier than walking at 180-degree angles.  Just put in a bead curtain or a door made of those carwash octopus things.  Or a hedge maze, made of leftover potted plastic plants from Chili’s Express.

 

The terminal is an awkward social space where you’re forced to make eye contact with strangers.  Why is this necessary?  You don’t face other people on the plane, in restaurants, at the movies, in a classroom.  Why do I have to gaze into the reflected misery of other travelers?

 

I’d like to have a birthday party on a plane, just so I can use those overhead air-nozzles to blow up the balloons faster.

 

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Facebook Usage Breakdown

August 30, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

  

21%

People displaying pictures of fun things you aren’t doing, making you

feel jealous and boring

19%

People displaying pictures to make themselves seem fun, hoping to

make you feel jealous and boring

15%

Notifications that people you barely know have RSVPed to an event

you aren’t invited to

12%

“What flavor Popsicle are you?” quizzes, with a generic answer

and an asinine follow-up quiztaker comment, like “Cherry…I knew it”

10%

Public complaining about constant redesigns meant to compete with

Twitter or whatever new technology is threatening to render it obsolete

9%

Narcissistic, real-time narration of the daily minutiae of a casual

friend-of-friend you met once (“Megan is making brownies…yum”)

8%

Taking time out of your life to actually join the group “I like to get the mail”

or become a fan of “Pizza”

6%

Baby pictures, baby pictures and more goddamn baby pictures

 


Small-Town Gossip

July 12, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

The newspaper in my hometown of Boston has a gossip page, which is cute because there are no celebrities there.  Thus, the story-starved gossip columnists are forced to boldface a pathetic stew of marginal C-listers: pro athletes at parole-mandated charity events who would never set foot in town if not drafted by Boston teams, local TV weathermen who live to get recognized at the grocery store, and A-list stars who grew up in the area, moved away as soon as they could afford a plane ticket and only return to visit their parents at Thanksgiving.  There are also very few unique and sophisticated party spaces, so the setting is usually the sterile, beige, dividable grand ballroom of a roadside Crowne Plaza that spends 90% of its time hosting bar mitzvahs.  The column usually looks something like this:

 

We caught up with Celtics captain Paul Pierce and his nephew Chris at Mo Vaughn’s Bowling Bash for Children in Saugus…Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler called his mom in New Hampshire from his yacht in the Azores, where he is resting up for a world tour that will stop in Hartford next September…Channel 7 general manager Kristy Collins and mayor’s aide Ed Johns laughing it up at the Boston Marriott.


Separated At Birth, Part 2

June 14, 2009 in lookalikes | Comments (0)

…..
  
          Willem Defoe                     CNN’s Fareed Zakaria
 
 
 
  
          Howie Mandel                Disturbed’s Dave Draiman
 
 
 
  
         Tim Geithner                The Flintstones’ Great Gazoo
 
 
 
     
       Prince William and Kate           Mark Teixeira and Wife
  
 
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Shooting Fish in a Barrel

May 20, 2009 in rantlets | Comments (0)

 

Dog is a professional bounty hunter who tracks down bail jumpers in Hawaii, which is like being a big-game hunter who tracks down rhinoceros at the zoo.  Hawaii is surrounded on all sides by 2,000 miles of ocean.  Why does it need a bounty hunter?  Just pick up the suspect when he visits the grocery store next to the courthouse. 

 


A New Insult, Free of Charge

May 7, 2009 in quotes | Comments (0)

Referring to the loser of a group, say that person is “going first in Double Jeopardy.”  Like how Alex Trebek describes the last-place player heading into commercial.  Example:

“Their oldest son Tom is a doctor, Kevin is a music producer, and Marvin…Marvin’s going first in Double Jeopardy.”


Gap-Toothed Stadium

April 17, 2009 in rantlets | Comments (0)

The New York Mets just opened a brand new stadium that took 3 years and $800 million to construct, and there’s at least one glaring flaw…a gaping void right behind home plate where there should be seats, which is like having a front tooth missing after getting your $15,000 braces off.  The Mets chose to place a stairwell instead of 25 front-row, behind-the-plate seats that could probably fetch enough ticket money over the course of a season to pay David Wright’s salary for six months (that’s a lot of extra sundaes-in-a-helmet they now have to sell).  And it gets worse: throughout the game, the offending stairwell continuously disgorges cellphone-waving jackasses and stadium rent-a-cops, promising a constant stream of distractions for anyone trying to watch the game.  Well done.

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From the In-Flight Magazine

March 1, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

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There’s No Way That’s His Daughter

February 13, 2009 in satire | Comments (0)

“Hi honey, whaddaya doing?”

“I’m emailing my real father.”

 

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